Being attracted to unavailable partners or someone who seems emotionally distant is a common phenomenon that often stems from subconscious beliefs that shape our perceptions of love and relationships.
Many people experience a strong attraction to unavailable partners, whether they are emotionally unavailable, physically distant, or committed to someone else. Understanding the underlying beliefs that drive this attraction can help you break free from unhealthy relationship patterns and foster more fulfilling connections. More: Signs you are not putting enough effort in a relationship
If you keep putting your bucket down an empty well then yes it is going to feel like very hard work, but it’s highly unproductive and not real work.
Natalie Lue
In this exploration, we will delve into the subconscious influences that lead us to seek out those who cannot fully reciprocate our feelings, shedding light on how these beliefs can impact our romantic lives. More: What is sexual narcissism?
9 hidden beliefs
1. Deep-seated fear of intimacy
- You might have a deep-seated fear of closeness, and when you are picking partners, you are unconsciously going from that place of fear. Because with choosing someone unavailable, you can avoid the vulnerability that comes with a truly intimate relationship.
2. If you are attracted to unavailable partners you probably have low self-esteem
- Individuals with low self-esteem may subconsciously believe they don’t deserve a partner who is fully available and attentive, so they are drawn to those who confirm this belief by being emotionally distant. More: Past life regression – much more than a passing trend
3. Reenacting past relationship patterns
- If you grew up in an environment where love felt inconsistent or unavailable (like a distant parent), you might seek out similar dynamics in your adult relationships, trying to “fix” or understand those old wounds. More: How to stop repeating the same mistake and learn from it?
4. Thrill of the chase
- Some people find excitement and passion in pursuing something that is out of reach, as the challenge can make the relationship feel more rewarding when they receive small signs of affection or attention. If this is your case, you may also feel like monogamous relationships are boring, which means you are not ready for one, even if you believe you want to be in a relationship.
5. Avoiding true commitment
- Being attracted to unavailable partners can be a way of avoiding true commitment. This way, you can experience some level of connection without facing the full responsibilities and emotional depth that come with a fully available partner.
6. Desire for validation
- Winning over someone who is unavailable can feel like a validation of your worth as if gaining their affection would prove that you are lovable or desirable. This is even more visible when you are attracted to someone who is in a relationship or married. In this way, they have to choose you over another person, which proves to you that you are more worthy. But what is more likely is that you just chose someone who is emotionally unavailable just like you.
7. If you are attracted to unavailable partners you may fear rejection
- Pursuing someone who is not fully available might feel safer because it provides a reason for why the relationship may not work out, reducing the fear of being outright rejected by a partner who is fully invested. This fear can be so strong and keep us away from love and having open hearts for a long time, or even our whole life.
8. Idealization of the partner
- When a partner is unavailable, there is often less opportunity to truly get to know them deeply, which can lead to idealizing them. They may become more appealing because they remain somewhat mysterious and appear “perfect” from a distance.
9. Belief in a romantic struggle
- Media and cultural narratives often romanticize the idea of fighting for love or changing someone to make them more available. This belief can lead people to think that love is more meaningful if it comes with obstacles and struggles.
These reasons can intertwine, making attraction to unavailable partners complex and deeply rooted in past experiences and subconscious beliefs.
More: The number one red flag in a relationship
Steps to break the cycle of being attracted to unavailable partners
First, try to figure out why you’re drawn to unavailable partners. It could be one of the reasons mentioned earlier or something unique to you. If you’re unsure and don’t have a therapist to help, talk to a close friend who has witnessed your dating journey. They may offer valuable insights. If you still can’t pinpoint the reason, that’s okay. You can acknowledge that, for you, love seems to mean unavailability. More: Emotions as teachers: What can we learn from them?
Take a moment to imagine what it would feel like if your partner were always there for you. Picture the warmth and comfort of that relationship. Spend about five minutes each day visualizing this or discussing it with a friend. This practice can help shift your mindset. Pay attention when old beliefs about love pull you back in. If you catch yourself thinking “love equals unavailability,” gently remind yourself that this belief no longer serves you.
As you start meeting new people—make sure they are not people from your past—be mindful of how the energy feels between you. Do you feel seen and validated, even a little, on the first date? If so, consider going on a second or third date if they continue to show up for you. Early in the relationship, express your needs. You don’t have to do this on the first date but don’t wait too long either. If they can’t meet your needs, don’t make excuses for them. End the relationship before you get too attached and seek someone else. More: How to avoid a power struggle in a relationship?
Finding someone who is fully available might take some time and practice. It may feel like the universe is testing you at first. But with persistence, you will eventually meet someone who is eager to be present and supportive in your life.
The importance of self-love in building healthy relationships
Self-love is one of the most crucial things you can develop to ensure your relationships are healthy and fulfilling. When you truly value yourself, you set a standard for how you expect to be treated by others. If you struggle with self-love, you may find yourself attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable or who don’t truly want you. These choices often lead to pain and disappointment. To change this pattern and stop the cycle of hurt, it’s essential to recognize that by choosing these partners, you are ultimately harming yourself. Understanding this truth empowers you to take responsibility for your choices and opens the door to healing. More: Your choices mirror your self-evaluation
No one can hurt us as deeply as we can hurt ourselves by allowing toxic people into our lives. Often, we subconsciously believe we deserve only the kind of love that leaves us feeling unworthy or rejected. This mindset traps us in unhealthy dynamics where we accept less than we deserve. By focusing on self-love and acknowledging your worth, you can shift your perspective. When you truly believe you are worthy of love, respect, and happiness, you will be less likely to settle for relationships that don’t serve you well. Embracing self-love paves the way for healthier connections, where mutual respect and support flourish, allowing you to break free from the cycle of attracting unavailable partners. More: Decisions made from fear vs. love
