When your sense of self-worth and identity becomes dependent on your partner’s validation, that’s called codependency. It’s often in close relationships, where one person becomes excessively reliant on another person for their emotional well-being, self-esteem, and sense of identity. This term was originally used to describe the dynamics in families with a member who struggled with addiction, but it has since been recognized as a broader issue that can occur in various types of relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, and even within families without addiction issues. More: 7 tips# what to do when the relationship is stale
There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’ If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.
Sam Keen
What are some key characteristics that may be associated with codependency?
1. Excessive caretaking
Codependent individuals often prioritize the needs and wants of others (partner, child, parent, friend..) above their own, to the point of neglecting their own well-being. Some examples of excessive caretaking behaviors that may be indicative of codependency:
Ignoring one’s own needs
Constantly putting the needs and desires of the other person ahead of one’s own, even when it’s detrimental to their own well-being. For example, always cooking their favorite meals even if it’s inconvenient or unhealthy for the codependent person.
Taking on all responsibilities
Assuming full responsibility for household chores, financial matters, or caregiving where the other person do not contribute or take responsibility.
Fixing problems
Trying to solve all of the other person’s problems, even if they haven’t asked for help or are capable of handling the issues themselves. This might include intervening in their job-related conflicts or personal disputes.
Lack of personal boundaries
Allowing the other person to invade their personal space and time without setting appropriate boundaries. For example, not having any personal time or space due to always being available for the other person. More: Emotions as teachers: What can we learn from them?
Neglecting personal interests
Giving up or neglecting their own hobbies, interests, and social life to prioritize the interests and activities of the other person.
Rescuing behavior
Continuously bailing the other person out of difficult situations or providing financial support, even when it’s not sustainable or enabling destructive behavior.
Avoiding conflict
Avoiding conflicts or disagreements with the other person at all costs, even when it means suppressing their own feelings or opinions.
These examples illustrate how excessive caretaking can manifest in a codependent relationship. Where one person consistently sacrifices their own needs and boundaries in an effort to take care of and please the other person. This behavior can lead to imbalance, resentment, and an unhealthy dynamic within the relationship. More: Decisions made from Fear vs. Love
2. Difficulty setting boundaries
Codependency can be seen when people have trouble asserting their own needs and saying “no.” They may feel guilty or anxious when they do assert themselves.
How do you know if you have trouble with setting boundaries?
Inability to say “No”
A person with difficulty setting boundaries might find it extremely challenging to decline requests or favors, even when they are overwhelmed or don’t want to comply. They might feel like they will hurt the other person, or lose them if they say no.
Allowing intrusions
They may allow others to invade their personal space or time without expressing discomfort or setting limits. For instance, not speaking up when someone consistently drops by unannounced or calls at inconvenient times. More: How to stop repeating the same mistake and learn from it?
Overextending themselves
These individuals often overcommit to tasks, projects, or responsibilities, even when it means neglecting their own needs or existing obligations.
Fear of upsetting others
They may avoid asserting themselves because they fear it will upset or disappoint others. This fear of conflict can lead to passive compliance.
Ignoring personal needs
Difficulty setting boundaries can manifest in ignoring their own physical, emotional, or mental needs to accommodate others. For example, neglecting self-care or sleep to help someone else.
Constantly seeking approval
They may constantly seek validation and approval from others, making it hard to establish boundaries because they want to be liked or accepted by everyone. More: Body dysmorphia: How to help someone?
Allowing others to define them
Allowing others to define their identity, values, or beliefs instead of asserting their own perspectives and values.
Difficulty ending unhealthy relationships
They might find it hard to end or distance themselves from toxic or abusive relationships because they fear the consequences or feel responsible for the other person’s well-being.
They might tolerate disrespectful or hurtful behavior from others without confronting it or setting limits.
Source: Canva
Difficulty setting boundaries in relationships can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of self-identity. Over time, this can negatively impact one’s overall well-being and the quality of their relationships. Sometimes, codependent folks make it a habit. They seek out friends or partners who encourage their superhero acts. They end up forgetting what’s important to them and lose sight of their own needs. It’s like they’re living for others and forgetting about themselves.
Remember, codependency can show up in different ways, but at its core, it’s about losing yourself while trying to save someone else. Learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is an important step toward personal growth and maintaining balanced, fulfilling relationships. More: Why being too nice prevents you from being happy?
3. Low self-esteem
Codependent individuals often have a poor self-image and derive their self-worth from the approval and validation of others, especially their partner.
4. Fear of abandonment
Codependents often fear being abandoned or rejected, which can lead to clingy or overly accommodating behavior.
5. Poor communication
Difficulty expressing feelings and needs, as well as avoiding conflict, is common among codependents. They may keep their true thoughts and feelings hidden to avoid upsetting their partner. More: Top 5 communication coach tips for effective communication
6. Lack of individual identity
Codependents may lose sight of their own interests, goals, and passions as they become overly focused on their partner’s life.
7. Enabling behavior
In some cases, codependents may enable destructive behavior in their loved ones, such as substance abuse, by making excuses or covering up the consequences.
Learn to overcome codependency by setting healthy boundaries
Being too attached can lead you to blur your boundaries. That often happens at the expense of your well-being, leaving you feeling undervalued and overwhelmed.
To discover your boundaries, engage in self-reflection. Ask yourself questions like, “What actions or situations make me unhappy?” or “What did I do today that went against my true desires?” These inquiries can help you identify where your limits lie. More: Cacao powder ceremony: Benefits, origins and more
Source: Canva
Source: Canva
In healthy relationships, support and respect coexist with well-defined boundaries. A boundary, in this context, serves as a personal limit that defines what you are willing and unwilling to accept in your relationship. Take the time to consider what you find acceptable in your interactions. While it’s essential to be empathetic and listen to your partner’s needs, it’s equally crucial to ensure their issues don’t consume your life. Practice politely declining requests that encroach upon your boundaries and commit to enforcing them. Think of it as creating and maintaining healthy emotional fences. More: Your Choices Mirror Your Self-Evaluation
Rediscovering independence
Nurture a life and identity that’s separate from your partner, family or friends. Remember, you’re capable of meeting your own needs and pursuing a life outside of your relationship. If you’re not sure where to begin, try some soul-searching through journaling. More: How to achieve your life purpose?
Jot down:
Things that pique your interest.
Goals you’d chase if you weren’t in a relationship, or friends with that person or close to your family.
Independent projects that light you up (maybe a DIY cabinet makeover).
Now, here’s the thing about codependency: it often goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem. To break free, you’ve got to start by valuing yourself. Explore what makes you happy and the life you truly want. Dedicate time to your passions. Tackle those negative self-doubts with a more positive and realistic mindset. And don’t forget to take care of your well-being through proper nutrition, rest, and self-care. More: Importance of balancing masculine and feminine energy
Consider your self-care routine, the decisions you make and their consequences, and your emotional, physical, and financial well-being. Also, any growing resentment due to excessive giving and whether you’ve consistently prioritized others over yourself.
Seeking professional help
It’s important to note that codependency is not an officially recognized mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). However, it is a concept widely used in the fields of psychology and therapy to describe these dysfunctional relationship patterns. Codependency can lead to unhappiness, stress, and strained relationships for both parties involved.
Therapy, particularly approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), Theta Healing and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can be effective in helping individuals recognize and address codependent behaviors, develop healthier boundaries, and improve their overall well-being.
Therapy can work wonders, and various approaches can help you improve your life and learn how to break free from codependency. However, if the idea of face-to-face therapy or group sessions doesn’t sit well with you, there’s another path worth exploring: the world of online therapy. More: Healing through the Theta healing technique
Picture this – you can connect with a mental health pro right from your cozy abode, using your trusty electronic companions. Whether it’s through video chats, live chat sessions, or simply exchanging messages, you can get the support you need while enjoying the comfort and privacy of your own space. It’s like bringing therapy to your doorstep, virtually! More: The number one red flag in a relationship
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