A dismissive-avoidant person might not immediately recognize their attachment style because they often rationalize their behavior as independence or personal preference. However, certain recurring thoughts, feelings, and actions can be clear indicators. Here are some examples that might help them see their dismissive-avoidant patterns in real life:
1. Avoiding emotional intimacy
Example:
- A partner says, “I feel like you’re emotionally distant. I want us to connect more.” You feel annoyed, pressured, or overwhelmed and think, “Why do they need so much from me?”. Instead of engaging, you withdraw, change the subject, or say, “I’m just not that emotional.”
🔹 Self-Realization: You might have a dismissive-avoidant pattern if you consistently feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
2. Preferring independence over relationships
Example:
- You’re dating someone who really likes you, but you feel trapped or irritated instead of happy. You think, “I don’t actually need a relationship. I’m fine on my own.” You start pulling away, making excuses about being busy, or losing interest.
🔹 Self-Realization: If you always feel more comfortable alone than in relationships, it could be avoidance rather than genuine preference. More: Strength, confidence, and honor: The path of a masculine man
3. Feeling numb or disconnected from emotions
Example:
- A friend or partner asks, “How do you feel about this?”. You genuinely don’t know or feel nothing, so you respond with something vague like, “It’s whatever; I don’t think about it much.” Deep down, you might feel uneasy, but you’ve trained yourself to ignore emotions rather than process them.
🔹 Self-Realization: If you often feel emotionally detached or indifferent, it might be a coping mechanism rather than your natural state.
4. Withdrawing or shutting down during conflict
Example:
- Your partner says, “I feel hurt when you don’t respond to my texts for hours.” Instead of addressing their feelings, you shut down or withdraw because confrontation feels overwhelming. You say, “You’re overreacting,“ or “I don’t like drama,” and avoid the conversation.
🔹 Self-Realization: If you often walk away from conflict rather than work through it, it might be an avoidant defense mechanism.
5. Finding reasons to leave when things get too close
Example:
- You’re dating someone great, but when they starts talking about deeper commitment, you suddenly start noticing small flaws in them. You think, “They’re too needy,” “We don’t have enough in common,” or “I don’t think I’m ready for this.” You end things, but later, you wonder if you pushed them away out of fear rather than an actual issue.
🔹 Self-Realization: If you repeatedly end relationships as soon as they become emotionally serious, avoidance may be the reason.
6. Feeling annoyed when someone relies on you emotionally
Example:
- Your partner is going through a tough time and needs support. Instead of feeling concerned, you feel bothered, overwhelmed, or annoyed by their emotions. You think, “I don’t have time for this. Why can’t they handle it on their own?”
🔹 Self-Realization: If emotional support feels like a burden rather than a natural part of relationships, it could indicate dismissive-avoidance. More: Parentification and dysfunctional relationships
Some questions to ask yourself
✅ Do I often feel trapped or suffocated in relationships?
✅ Do I avoid deep emotional conversations because they make me uncomfortable?
✅ Do I shut down when someone expresses their emotions to me?
✅ Do I prefer to handle problems alone rather than ask for help?
✅ Do I believe emotions are a weakness or a burden?
✅ Do I get the urge to leave when a relationship starts feeling serious?
If many of these resonate with you, you likely have dismissive-avoidant tendencies. Recognizing it is the first step to understanding and healing.
How do you recognize a dismissive-avoidant partner while dating?
1. Early stages of dating: The chase is fun, but not too close
💬 Charming & independent → They come across as confident, self-sufficient, and even a little mysterious.
💬 Enjoys surface-level connection → They engage in fun conversations but avoid deep emotional discussions.
💬 Slow to open up → They don’t share personal details easily and may deflect emotional questions.
💬 Prefers casual over serious → They may express that they “aren’t looking for anything serious” or keep things undefined.
🔹 Example: They text you consistently at first, but when you start showing more emotional interest, they become distant or take longer to reply.
2. When things get closer: Emotional distance increases
🔹 Avoids vulnerability → They downplay feelings and keep conversations light.
🔹 Pulls away after intimacy → After a deep or vulnerable moment, they might withdraw or act more aloof.
🔹 Prioritizes independence → They insist on keeping their routine and space, even if the relationship deepens.
🔹 Keeps you at arm’s length → They might avoid labeling the relationship or talk about the future vaguely.
🔹 Example: After a great weekend together, they suddenly become distant, texting less and acting less engaged.
3. Handling conflict: Shuts down or dismisses issues
🚫 Downplays problems → “It’s not a big deal. Why do we have to talk about this?”
🚫 Withdraws from conflict → They shut down or physically leave when emotions get intense.
🚫 Avoids reassurance → Instead of offering emotional support, they might say, “You’re overthinking this.”
🚫 May ghost or create distance → If the emotional intensity becomes overwhelming, they may take longer to respond or even disappear.
🔹 Example: If their partner expresses feelings like, “I feel like you don’t care about me,” they might respond with “That’s not true, you’re just being emotional.”
4. When a partner gets too close: Sabotaging the relationship
💔 Loses interest when things get serious → If a partner wants more commitment, they may start feeling trapped.
💔 Finds flaws in their partner → They focus on minor issues as a reason to push the person away.
💔 Creates distance by being “Too busy” → Work, hobbies, or alone time suddenly take priority.
💔 May end things abruptly → Instead of working through emotional difficulties, they may just walk away.
🔹 Example: When their partner says, “I want us to be closer,” they respond with “I don’t think we’re a good match” or “I don’t have time.” More: Eckhart Tolle: Guide to love in the presence
How to work through dismissive-avoidant attachment and build a healthier relationship?
If you recognize yourself as having a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the good news is that you can work through it. It takes self-awareness, patience, and intentional practice to build healthier emotional connections. Here’s how:
- 1. Recognize and accept your patterns: Notice when you shut down, pull away, or minimize emotions in relationships. Ask yourself: “Am I withdrawing because I truly need space, or am I avoiding emotional discomfort?”. Reflect on past relationships—do you see a pattern of pushing people away when they get close? ✅ Practice: Try to identify triggers.
- 2. Reframe your beliefs about independence & vulnerability – You might believe “I don’t need anyone”, but human connection is essential for well-being. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean losing control—it strengthens relationships. Understand that needing emotional support isn’t a weakness; it’s the opposite.✅ Practice: The next time someone offers support, pause before rejecting it. Try saying “Thank you, I appreciate that” instead of brushing it off.
- 3. Lean into discomfort instead of avoiding it – Emotional closeness can feel overwhelming, but avoiding it keeps you stuck. Instead of withdrawing, try staying present in emotionally charged moments. When a partner or friend shares their feelings, listen instead of shutting down.✅ Practice: The next time you want to withdraw, tell yourself: “I can handle this. I don’t have to run.”
- 4. Improve communication and express your needs – Avoidants often struggle to express feelings because they were dismissed in childhood. Start by sharing small things like “I had a stressful day” instead of holding everything in. If emotions feel overwhelming, let your partner know: “I need a moment to process this, but I want to talk.” ✅ Practice: Text your partner and share something personal—even if it’s small.
- 5. Challenge the fear of dependence – You might fear that being close to someone means losing yourself. Healthy relationships don’t take away your independence—they provide support. Trust that you can be close to someone without losing your freedom. ✅ Practice: Remind yourself: “I can be in a relationship and still be my own person.”
- 6. Learn to regulate your emotions instead of suppressing them – Avoidants tend to disconnect from emotions rather than process them. Start identifying what you feel instead of pushing it away. If emotions feel intense, use deep breathing, journaling, or movement to process them.✅ Practice: When you feel numb or disconnected, ask yourself: “What emotion am I avoiding right now?”.
- 7. Stay in a relationship when you feel the urge to leave – If you often end relationships when they get serious, pause before making a decision. Instead of thinking, “This isn’t working, I need to leave,” ask, “Am I leaving because I’m uncomfortable with closeness?”. Give yourself time to sit with the discomfort before acting on it. ✅ Practice: If you feel the urge to distance yourself, wait at least 24 hours before making any big decisions.
- 8. Work with a therapist or find reprogramming courses – A therapist can help you understand and rewire your attachment patterns. If therapy feels overwhelming, start with self-help books or online resources on attachment theory. ✅ Best Online reprogramming course recommendation: Personal Development School Book Recommendation: Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. More: Healing through the Theta Healing technique
