Parentification is a hidden but profound form of role reversal in which a child takes on responsibilities meant for an adult. Instead of receiving care and guidance, they become the caregiver—managing emotions, resolving conflicts, or even handling household duties far beyond their years. While this may create a sense of maturity and independence, it often comes at the expense of the child’s emotional well-being, shaping their future relationships and sense of self.
Most of the time parents have no idea they are causing pain. Either they are experiencing some kind of distress and they have too much shame to talk to others outside of the family or they lack awareness on how to be a parent. But in some cases this may be result of narcissistic behaviour or serious issues like parents being addicted to drugs, alcohol, having mental illness.. More: The key to healthy relationships: Importance of expressing needs and feelings
The child who is not protected by the parents becomes the protector of the parents, which leads to deep emotional wounds that last a lifetime.
Alice Miller
This dynamic typically falls into two categories:
Emotional Parentification (or relating to the emotions)
The child is expected to manage adult emotions, acting as a confidant, mediator, or source of emotional support for a parent or sibling.
For example the child constantly resolves conflicts between parents, acting as the peacemaker in the household. The child fears that if he or she doesn’t, the family will fall apart. Or the child regularly comforts mother or father after their bad days at work. They share their financial worries and emotional struggles with the child, making the child feel responsible for their happiness. This child grows up feeling obligated to fix others’ emotions. And struggles in relationships where he or she over-functions and neglects his/her own needs.
Instrumental Parentification
The child takes on practical responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, or managing household finances due to the absence or inability of adult caregivers. For example the child takes care of his younger siblings, or cooks meals, and manages household chores because his parents are frequently absent. If anything goes wrong, the child gets blamed. In his adult year, the child will feel difficult to relax. He or she feels guilty when they are not being productive and struggles to trust others to handle responsibilities.
Each scenario shows how parentification forces children into adult roles too soon, often leading to challenges in relationships, self-worth, and emotional regulation later in life. More: Eckhart Tolle: Guide to love in the presence
The signs of a former parentified child in adulthood
A parentified child often carries their early responsibilities into adulthood, shaping their behavior and relationships in noticeable ways. Some common signs of a former parentified child in adulthood:
- Hyper-independence – Finds it difficult to ask for help and feels responsible for everything.
- Overfunctioning in relationships – Takes on the role of caretaker, fixer, or problem-solver in friendships and romantic partnerships.
- People-pleasing – Struggles to say no and prioritizes others’ needs over their own.
- Fear of being a burden – Avoids sharing problems or emotions, believing they must handle everything alone.
- Difficulty setting boundaries – Feels guilty when enforcing limits and often tolerates emotional or physical burdens.
- Persistent guilt or anxiety – Feels uneasy when relaxing or focusing on themselves.
- Burnout and emotional exhaustion – Takes on excessive responsibilities at work or home, leading to frequent overwhelm.
- Struggles with vulnerability – Finds it hard to trust others or express their own needs and emotions.
- Attracted to dysfunctional relationships – Often drawn to emotionally unavailable or dependent partners due to a deep-rooted need to “rescue” others.
- High levels of self-criticism – Holds themselves to unrealistic standards, struggles with feelings of never being “good enough”.
How do parentified child in adulthood view relationships?
Parentifican often leaves a complex and sometimes dysfunctional perspective of the child on relationships in adulthood. Their early experiences of caregiving and responsibility shape how they connect with others, leading to common patterns such as:
- Being afraid to be seen,
- Wanting romantic love but pushing the love away (especially when they have deeper feelings),
- Don`t trust others to show up,
- Fears commitment, to them commitment seems overwhelming, confusing, demanding,
- Need to feel in control.
What are some core wounds of parentified child?
A parentified child often carries deep core wounds into adulthood, shaped by their early experiences of taking on responsibilities beyond their years. The most common ones:
- I will be betrayed – I can not trust, people will take advantage of me
- I am unseen and unheard
- I am unworthy, I am only worthy if I am useful
- I am unsafe
- I am weak
- I am bad (more so if I hurt other people feelings)
- I am trapped
- I will be guilty if something goes wrong, I am fully responsible for the relatonship
- I am alone and helpless
- I am a burden
- I am responsible how other people feel
Exercise that can help reprogram limiting beliefs
Recognizing wounds is the first step toward healing. Therapy, self-compassion, and healthy relationships can help reframe these beliefs, allowing them to embrace their worth beyond what they do for others. Healing core wounds from parentification takes time, but intentional exercises can help reprogram limiting beliefs and foster self-compassion.
- Make a list of your core wounds, all the things missing from your childhood caused by parentification. And all the things you wish your parents gaved you at that time.
- Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths. Do this exercise very early in the morning or before going to sleep. More: 5 basic meditation techniques
- Picture yourself as a child at an age when you felt most overwhelmed. Imagine your present, adult self comforting. Say what what your inner child need to hear: “Your needs matter.”, “Your feelings matter.”, “You are loved just for being you.”, “Others are responsible for their own needs and feelings.”
- Hug yourself in your mind, reassure your inner child, and visualize how you are feeling safe, loved, worthy and carefree. It is essential to fully experience this exercise, rather than merely visualizing it—emotions play a key role in subconscious reprogramming. By engaging deeply with the feelings associated with receiving support, this practice helps reshape subconscious patterns, allowing for the internalization of new, healthier beliefs. On average, it takes approximately 21 days to create a lasting shift. More: Healing through the Theta Healing technique
